Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
Thrres cinnamon everywgte. Plead cine get me
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
The streets are paved with hand jobs
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