GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
You need 4-7 business day to recover from a fingering like that.
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
It's official. I am the girl who threw up in the library. Hangovers and midterms do not mix.
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Randomize
