Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
we sixty- nined on a tennis court.. not even drunk. you say insane. i say creative genius.
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
Is it bad that I've been making new friends through your vagina networking? I don't think so
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
Randomize
