I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
idk why but i just wanna to have sex with the idea of him. i don't even wanna meet him.
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
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