Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
I'm passing your future prison.
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
My vagina is officially offended.
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
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