who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
please come you make the beer taste better
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
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