So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
I've never watched DWTS before, but this show's got Pamela Anderson, Erin Andrews and Brooke Burke: 3 of my top 10 all time most masturbated to women.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
Randomize
