I'm sorry my penis didn't work
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
my summer class's final was canceled bc it interfered with the world cup. he is giving us all A's on it. I love europe
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
Randomize
