No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
What I love about college? The kid tripping balls has a kayak made readily available to him on any given Wednesday, Saturday, or Sunday.
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
Naked Twister starts at high noon
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
Randomize
