Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
Just to clear things up. I did not walk in on him jacking off to your facebook profile.
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
we came up with a wnba drinking game. take a shot every play that you could've done better. won't make it through 1st quartar
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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