If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
Should I text him? Life is confusing when you actually like someone instead of just wanting to blow them.
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
Randomize
