It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
I threw away my jacket instead of washing it, the jungle juice stained me more of shame than red food coloring... i have never been that white girl wasted before...
cant tell, his cock is acting like one of those inflatable arm waving things outside the market
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
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