HIV tests are more positive than that guy
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
Anyway, that's been my evening- crying and looking up diabetes symptoms. How was your night?
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
