That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
where are my pants?
in the oven.
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
