just got my goo swallowed for the first time. colors seem so much more vivid now, and more rainbows are outside
Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
Randomize
