oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
I'm setting goals and achieving them. I'd say I'm quite mature for my age.
You're goal was to fuck him and you don't even remember it.
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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