But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
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