drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
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