I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
high people should be assigned attendants
You told her the u were going to wrap your dick around her neck and start her like a lawn mower. thats why she left.
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
I intend to get homeless drunk
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
plus like he's kinda a piece of shit. a beautiful somewhat talented piece of shit that hella needs to get his life together
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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