Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back