Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
Does your throat ever get sore from being choked too hard or do u think I'm just getting sick??
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The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
i lost his rear view mirror, your phone charger, and my lesbian virginity. 21 isn't shaping up too well so far.
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
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Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
We need to get me chipped asap
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
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