Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
I had fun. Till he melissa etheridged my ass and came to my window.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
23 Millennials Confess The Things They Wish They Weren’t Attracted To
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
23 Gruesome Scientific Facts That Will Make You Squirm
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
We don't watch enough power rangers
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD