How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
When he was going down on me I referred to him as "Lord Snow" and HE GOT IT. HE GOT THE GAME OF THRONES REFERENCE. I AM IN LOVE
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.