Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
She bit a glass in half.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
On a better note: I'm on pace for 730 female produced orgasms in 2013.
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
Randomize
