i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
they just tried to tell me they weren't big into drugs. A) it was the 70's. B) I've seen the pictures.
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
