Come back if u want to. I'll do some dirty shit to u mamacita.
im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
Randomize
