one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
I know I'm not learning anything when I can't even spell the name of the class I'm taking
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
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