I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
Does hooking up with the gay pledge count as hazing?
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
