This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
Wasted at the beach. Toasting underage, overdeveloped girls. God bless 'em.
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
I wish there were birth control emojis
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
Does Jim keep sending you pics of him in drag too???? If so, are you also slightly uncomfortable?
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
I don't care if his family has ties to the mafia, you go over there, ride his dick until it breaks off, put his dick back on, and keep on riding. Lather, rinse, repeat.
Thanks for the support, sis.
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
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