I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
And I was aware of my actions - that is not a penis I will say no to until I have a ring on my finger
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
Do I masturbate or eat a pound of matazah. Alissa help what do I do??
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
