Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
don't worry about it. We passed around the "get jeff bail" can 10 min. After you left. We currently have around $400. May I say that people here at the dorms really love you.
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
Randomize
