Lavender boy was great at seduction and crappy in bed.
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
Randomize
