In the car with my brother. His CD went from 2pac to Taylor Swift. I'm concerned. It wasn't a mistake, he knows all the words.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
well he got me up crazy early but i got pizza for breakfast and an electric blanket to sleep with sooo he passed the one night stand test.
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
Randomize
