I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
I have no morals, kinda like you have no standards
None
I don't think its a good idea if I moon a whole bar again
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
Randomize
