I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
Did it work?
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Randomize
