hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
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