If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
Girl this is ridiculous I told my self that I would stop having sex in stairwells yet it keeps happening
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
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