soooo we both peed the bed last night...
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
Its not christmas eve unless I give him head. I wont take no for an answer
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
Randomize
