What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
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