Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
Im part way to drunk.
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Randomize
