So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
my nose is crying tears of wow.
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
Randomize
