girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
Its alot easier to hide alcohol when your wearing a toga..
everythings easier when your wearing a toga.
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
Campus scavenger hunt! and by scavenger hunt I mean all the pharmacies are sold out of Plan B.
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
