oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
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