I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize
