I'm pants shitting drunk right now
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
I want to fling myself into the sun
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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