My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
he whispered in my ear that he would be upstairs and i should come up. i stayed downstairs. he came back down and repeated to whisper in my ear. this happened about 5 times until he passed out.
I'm towing my little brother down the road on a sixty year old tractor, we're taking up the whole highway, and no one cares. I love South Dakota.
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
so i told him i still liked him. he laughed
well, your crazy. what did you expect?
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
Randomize
