put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
I don't remember her name, but I do remember yelling at her from the balcony of the hotel room during her walk of shame.
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
Randomize
