Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
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