She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
That boy needs some memories to take back home with him
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
I'M NOT READY TO BE AB ADULT YET!!!
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
Randomize
