I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
I've had a Margarita with salt, but I have to say I was impressed by the Stoli and Sprite rimmed with adderall
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
Randomize
