I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
cliffnotes. writing studyguide on last pack of smokes. glad this semester is over.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
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