We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
Randomize
