Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Randomize
