I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
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