her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
Randomize
