They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
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