you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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