I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
DETAILS
long story
just tell me the parts i wanna hear
weed, brooklyn, rough sex.
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
Randomize
