My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
Green mimosas i think yes
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
I say this as a friend, you would make a SPECTACULAR crossdresser
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
