Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
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