Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
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