Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
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he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
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As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
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