She tried to have sex with him but he quote unquote respected her
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
Nick is about to bring home a woman who is 39, a mother, and, by all accounts, FUCKING HOMELESS. Will update as details become available.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
Randomize
