There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
OMFG, I'm seriously about to get fairly unpolite with this guy.
Wow. I bet he's shakin' in his boots.
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
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